It is 5:16 a.m. and I have been awake writing for an hour or so, and thought it was time to write something which can be shared. There is a smile on my face this morning, probably because yesterday I spent the afternoon with my daughter after church and even though our conversation may not have been those most fluid, we enjoyed our time together. And no it just wasn’t me, as she was patient and lately can sense she is beginning to appreciate me, which for only those of you that know me is a great thing.
I have a smile on my face, as I have been listening to some really great Spanish guitar by Al Marconi as he played live on a city street. If you close your eyes while listening it takes you somewhere, I cannot even explain. If I were there, I would grab the person with me, or perhaps even a stranger and dance in the street. We would let ourselves go and be free, smile and laugh, and glance excitedly into each other’s eyes, no matter who it may be and enjoy the connection of the music into our souls. I cannot explain the music, you must check out this url, then you will know.
I have dedicated time to praying this weekend, when I wrote the last post for my blog, I wasn’t sure who it was exactly written for, but on Saturday evening realized it was written to me. How can I pray and ask God for anything when there is so much on my heart which must be confessed. I ate alone at my kitchen table, and with elbows on my tabletop and hands folded laying my head against my arms I cried tearfully and asked God how can I ask for anything, even to bless my food with such anger in my soul. I am so ashamed, there is more to be said, but not here.
It is amazing to me why God would want to love me when there is so much in my soul that is corrupt. I am a poor miserable sinner! ‘I a poor miserable sinner confess unto thee all my sins and iniquities which I have ever offended against thee and justly deserve thy temporal and eternal punishment.’ I know I am not perfect, but He still loves me, why? If I were God, would I still love me? He knows every evil thought that has every crossed my mind, he knows my weak nature.
But God also knows my hurts, He recognizes everything that is in our hearts, and maybe because He has searched our hearts…. (There is nothing to explain) He just loves us because He loves us. Unfailing love is unconditional love, it is the love we have for our children. No matter what they do, how they treat us, disappoint us or leave us in confusion and disbelief, we still love them and like the father of the prodigal son, our arms remain outstretched and we cannot but smile. This is how our Father in Heaven loves us. Again, why I will never know, and truthfully there is no theologian who can really explain.
There are many in our lives we love unconditionally, people we have loved, even if they may not love us anymore or see us as special, friends we truly care for, and over time in our heart developed a true enduring love for, and of course our families.
While running on a treadmill this past Saturday and watching a movie, a line caught my attention which the writers knew is probably true. “A love may take two months to get over, a good love two years to get over, a great love, well…” This was the line in the movie, and even though not everyone may agree with everything that happens in Hollywood, the writers have hearts too! It makes me wonder, for all the people who end up end hell, what does that do to God’s heart?
It Is January 31st, a special day for my family. Today is the birthday of one of my sisters, but it is also the day that my Grandmother entered Heaven. The day she died, I told my sister, since it was birthday, what greater honor to know that the day we celebrate your birth, we also celebrate our grandmother’s entrance into Heaven. My grandmother was very special to me, she and I had a very wonderful connection. I stayed with her nearly every night from 7th grade through high school, and when in college would spend my summers there. She was my best friend for many years, and I hers. She taught me it is okay to cry, reach out and hold another’s hand, how to gaze deeply into another’s eyes, and how to love. She would sometimes really get mad at me and say, my full name adding along in the same breath, ‘you make my butt tired’, but with a little different phrasing. I knew she always loved me and protected me, and will always be in my heart forever. There is not hardly a week that goes by, that I do not stop at the cemetery, and sit or stand in front of her grave. She and I used to go to church together every Sunday, I would walk her into the church arm in arm, and hold her hand while we sat together and listened to the preacher.
I have to stop, thank you for reading, and I am sorry, too overwhelmed with emotion for many reasons.
Today, decide to love.
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